Saturday, April 23, 2011

Every Heartbeat for Your Glory


Alabaster Jar
By Gateway Worship

This alabaster jar
Is all I have of worth
I break it at Your feet Lord
It's less than You deserve
You're far more beautiful
More precious than the oil
The sum of my desires
And the fullness of my joy

Like You spilled Your blood
I spilled my heart
As an offering to my King

Here I am take me
As an offering
Here I am giving
Every heartbeat for Your glory
Take me, take me

This time that I have left
Is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet Lord
It's less than You deserve
And though I've lived astray
And though my days are few
You gave Your life for me
So I will live my life for You

Like you spilled your blood
I spilled my heart
As an offering to my King

Here I am take me
As an offering
Here I am giving
Every heartbeat for your glory 

Take me 


We began singing Alabaster Jar three years ago during our Sunday Worship.  The Alabaster Jar comes from the story of a woman who poured a very expensive jar of perfume on Jesus shortly before his death.  It was an act of worship only Jesus understood.  Witnesses considered the woman unworthy and foolish; Jesus received her humble sacrifice.


The song reflects the desire of my heart.  My journey with God began shortly after I returned to Church.  I simply made myself available to God, "use me Lord."  I knew my sin, I knew my worth, but I offered it anyway.  To my surprise he took me up on my offer.  I serve today because I learned freedom through surrender.  The road is not easy, but it is the only road worth traveling.


In today's Contemporary Christian world "Alabaster Jar" doesn't make the rotation very often anymore.  However, we sang it last Sunday.  I sang the first verse and most of the chorus with zeal, "hear I am, take me!"  


Then I hit hurdle I had overlooked in the past, "every heartbeat, for your glory".  Whoa hold on, back the Jesus Van up, every heartbeat?  That is a major claim; am I truly living every heartbeat for God?  Should I be making this claim before examining my heart?


Anybody else ever fall into the trap of dividing your time from God's time?  It looks something like, "I just spent hours praying, now time for some me time."  or "I spend my day helping others, tonight is going to be about what I want."  Sound selfish?  Yep, it sounds selfish to me too.  It is certainly not true to the lyrics.  Maybe I should sing, "Here I am take me as an offering, here I am giving, a few heartbeats for your glory, as long I get mine".


Are you offering God your best or your leftovers?  Was that the difference between Cain's offering and Able's?  Was it the difference between the woman who gave two coins and the other who gave much more?  Was it why Jesus was so pleased with the woman with the alabaster jar?  


What would giving every heartbeat for God look like?  Perhaps it is not even humanly possible; yet God calls us to strive towards it.  From the outside a life dedicated to God looks difficult.  In Philippians, Paul speaks of the suffering he has endured and yet the letter is filled with the words "joy" and "rejoice"; an upbeat letter about misery?  


Paul's faith and reliance in God grew as he faced hardship.  Satan threw his best at Paul, but he remained focused on his mission.  Satan's words, "Paul, you deserve a break, you've done enough, let someone else bear this burden for awhile", fell on deaf ears.  Our pursuit of God does not keep us out of harms way, (it often draws us into the thick of the battle) but the more we live for God, the less vulnerable we become to Satan's traps.       
___________________

 36 When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. 37 A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. 38 As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
 39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”
 40 Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
   “Tell me, teacher,” he said.
   41 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
 43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
   “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
 44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
 48 Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
 49 The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
 50 Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” (Luke 7:36-50, New International Version, ©2011)
___________________

2 Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.
   Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the LORD. 4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
 6 Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
 8 Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. (Genesis 4:2-8, New International Version, ©2011)
___________________

 41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.
 43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. (Mark 12:41-43, New International Version, ©2011)
___________________

19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.  27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel 28 without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, 30 since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. (Philippians 1:19-230, New International Version, ©2011)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside at All Times

I love roller coasters; the sudden acceleration, the sharp fast turns, the press of gravity in a loop, and free floating over an unexpected rise.  All these elements make for a great adrenaline pumping ride, but in my daily life I to look for something more sedate, more planned, more predictable.  It's not happening; God loves roller coasters too.   He created them to illustrate the ride he wants to take us on.


I was certain I knew where God was heading.  A nice straight track lay ahead all the way to the vision He placed in my heart four years ago.  He asked me to remain at the coalition to demonstrate my willingness to submit to authority.  He made me an integral part of our communities cold night shelter.  He gave me free access to Belle View Middle School, a large empty facility which fit the "think big" part of the vision.  He turned enemies into allies and introduced me to people at the school district who understand my vision.  Beginning our mission at Belle View was only a matter of time.


Whooa!  Where did that turn come from?  We didn't get Belle View.  It appears Belle View is going to someone else who can afford to lease it for a very long time.  Did I miss something?  Should I have done something different?  Did I stay too long?  What's up God?


After every unexpected turn, God reminds me He is in control.  Predicting His next move is foolish.  The Bible clearly indicates God is unpredictable.  Abraham knew God blessed him with Isaac; he wasn't expecting God to ask him to sacrifice his son.  Moses thought God was going to anoint him Pharaoh to free his people; he wasn't expecting to be chased out of town for 40 years.  Gideon wanted a safe quiet life; he wasn't expecting God to chose him to rescue Israel. Samuel was certain he knew what a king looked like; he wasn't expecting God to choose a young shepherd boy.  The Jews were expecting the King of Kings; they weren't expecting a child born in a feed bin.      


Why does God love surprises?  There are many reasons, here's two.  First, If we knew God's complete plan would we continue to rely on Him?  While walking with my parents as a child I often wanted to express my independence by striding out ahead of them.  However, as the distance between my parents grew, I would stop and make sure we were together.  God allows us to make strides on our own, but he wants us to stop occasionally to make sure we are together.


Second, our perspective is very limited.  I am fortunate to keep the details of my workplace and home in order.  God's plan requires coordinating the lives of every individual ever born.  His plan is much greater than ours; from our perspective the subtle changes he make to accomplish his plan may seem sudden and erratic.  God's plan from the very beginning was for our salvation.  When unexpected turns occur in our lives, we must trust the change was made to accomplish this goal.  We are called to live by faith.  Which loosely translated means; hang on tight, this is going to be an amazing ride!


God does not leave us or forsake us.  Within an hour of finding out Belle View was not in the plan, God opened four new options.  One involves continuing to work with the contacts he created at the school board.  One involves free office space in the neighborhood where we would like to plant our church.  One involves collaborating with another Christian ministry to build an outreach center.  The last one is an old contact renewed, which may find a building for our entire ministry.  Please keep your hands and arms inside at all times; the ride isn't over.  

 2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
 3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. (Genesis 22:2-4, New International Version, ©2011)

12 Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. 13 The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?”
 14 The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.”
 15 When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well. 16 Now a priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they came to draw water and fill the troughs to water their father’s flock. (Exodus 2:12-16, New International Version, ©2011)


 11 The angel of the LORD came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. 12 When the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, he said, “The LORD is with you, mighty warrior.”
 13 “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”
 14 The LORD turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?” (Judges 6:11-14, New International Version, ©2011)


 6 When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the LORD’s anointed stands here before the LORD.”
 7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
 8 Then Jesse called Abinadab and had him pass in front of Samuel. But Samuel said, “The LORD has not chosen this one either.” 9 Jesse then had Shammah pass by, but Samuel said, “Nor has the LORD chosen this one.” 10 Jesse had seven of his sons pass before Samuel, but Samuel said to him, “The LORD has not chosen these.” 11 So he asked Jesse, “Are these all the sons you have?”
   “There is still the youngest,” Jesse answered. “He is tending the sheep.”
   Samuel said, “Send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives.”
 12 So he sent for him and had him brought in. He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features.
   Then the LORD said, “Rise and anoint him; this is the one.” (1 Samuel 16:6-12, New International Version, ©2011)

 1 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.
 4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. (Luke 2:1-7, New International Version, ©2011)

 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9, New International Version, ©2011)



A Tandem Ride With God
I used to think of God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.

But later on, when I met Jesus, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Jesus was in the back helping me pedal. I didn't know just when it was He suggested we change, but life has not been the same since I took the back-seat to Jesus, my Lord. He makes life exciting. When I had control, I thought I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points.
But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at break-through speeds; it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it often looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I was worried and anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared", He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, our journey, my Lord's and mine. And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it, but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus.

And when I'm sure I just can't do any more, He just smiles and says... "Pedal."
(Author unknown)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Compulsion

Compulsion Psychology a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.


14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
 17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
 21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
 24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
 25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. (Romans 7:14-25, The Message)

I still wrestle with myself; do you?  I know and have experienced the saving grace of God, I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior, I believe through His death and resurrection I have been freed from sin; yet I still wrestle with myself.  There is part of me which desires to return to prison; to submit to the chains Jesus gave everything to remove.


There was a time I was ruled by compulsion.  I knew my behavior was harmful,  I knew I was destroying my relationships, I knew I was wasting my life feeding my physical desires, but I was trapped.  However, God never gave up on me.  He climbed into the pit I had dug and rescued me.  He sent His son to free me from the trap.


If I have been freed from my pit; why does God allow me to continue to wrestle?  Because I am still a work in process.  I have been pardoned from my death sentence but there is still much work to be done; I need to be honed and sharpened.  When I was living in my pit each wrestling match resulted a deeper hole.  Now, every wrestling match make me stronger.


My sinful nature still lives within me; temptation still attempts to pull me away from God.  Sometimes I screw up; I look back down the road and the Holy Spirit convicts me (slaps me up side the head).  Conviction is God's way of getting His children's attention.  When God convicts me, He draws attention to my behavior and ask me to make a choice.


God's words are simple, "I am a jealous God".  There is no room in our relationship with God for another god.  In the bible these gods had names like Baal and Asherah; today we craft gods out of most anything.  The world is vying for our attention through texting, televisions, social networks, video games, pornography, alcohol, drugs, shiny cars, better homes, hedonism, sports, hobbies, box stores, fast food joints, and clubs.  God is a jealous God; he convicts and calls us to make a choice.


My battles with my own sinful nature make me a better servant to the homeless.  Their lives ruled by compulsion are not so far from my own.  Without Jesus my life would be identical to theirs.  The difference between living with God and living away from God are sharply contrasted by their struggles and my own.  When God convicts me and asks me to choose between Him and the world, I don't always comply immediately.  I often bargain, whine, and complain about the sacrifice.  It may take a few days or more for me to understand the weight of my choice.  In the end I lay down something my flesh loves for something my spirit loves.  Choosing God builds spiritual muscle and produces victories in the spiritual realm. 

14 “Now therefore, fear the LORD, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the LORD! 15 And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”
(Joshua 24:14-15, New King James Version)

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Importance of Transportation

This is longer than usual.  It is an excerpt from a journal I am keeping about street outreach.  One of the needs Connections plans on meeting is transportation.  I learned it is more important than I ever knew.

On the Street: Week of March 21, 2011

 Monday: The Bus
For the last five years I have made transportation a priority when meeting someone for the first time.  Services in Tallahassee are so decentralized it can be very frustrating to complete the simplest tasks.  Star Metro offers a free 31 day pass to all new residents and provides the BBHC Outreach 150 single-ride passes.  Monday I decided to experience the bus as a first time bus rider to have a better understanding of the system.
I parked my van at the BBHC and setoff to reach Access Florida (food stamp office) on the North side of town and the SSA on the East side of town in one afternoon.  I borrowed an old backpack which I stuffed with pop tarts, water, a notebook and BBHC service guides.  The pack only weighed 20-25 lbs. but it was more of a burden than I expected.  I wore jeans and a simple t-shirt and my nametag.  I chose to wear my nametag to identify myself to folks I might meet and to shield myself in case someone mistook me as homeless. 

I was told the buses run more frequently from TCC, so decided to walk the short car ride there.  It took me 20 minutes and I was happy to set the backpack down; it had already worn a grove in my right shoulder.  I then waited another twenty minutes for the bus to arrive.  I rummaged through my bag to find the book I had borrowed from the BBHC bookshelf and found a bench in the shade.  I felt out of place surrounded by college kids but I was enjoying the adventure.

It was obvious most were veteran riders as a line began forming at the curb before the bus arrived and highlighted my ignorance.  I had noticed earlier I was the only one to glance up at the sound of every loud vehicle; the others paid no attention.  There is a rhythm to bus riding and I was already out of step.   
Shortly after the veterans cued number 24 rolled up.  I hung to the back of the line armed with a single ride and no practical knowledge of how to use it.  My lack of knowledge had not kept me from telling others how the passes worked but my knowledge was second or third hand.  The driver, the woman with the extremely long fingernails, greeted me with a smile and took my newbie questions in stride.  I made my way to the back of the crowded bus and placed myself in the hands of Star Metro. 

The bus was comfortable, the ac was cold and rumble of the engine dampened the sounds inside and outside the bus.  The city moved by my window but I felt detached, cocooned inside the big metal box.  The route to the bus plaza made no sense to me.  We made frequent stops to college apartments to pick up and drop off passengers.  Most people kept to themselves and conversation was minimal.  I didn’t make contact with any clients.

I arrived at the plaza at noon.  It had been an hour since I had left the BBHC.  I made my way downtown.  I walked up a large hill on Duval and was pleased my directions to Trinity United Methodist had been correct all these years.  I turned on Park and walked the brick path through the center.  I scanned for homeless but saw only one gentleman asleep on a bench.   The path led to the middle of the next cross street and was 30 yards from the nearest crosswalk.  Traffic was paused so I decided to cross.  I stepped in front of a Star Metro bus and the driver waited until I was squarely in his sites before blasting his air horn.  I continued to walk.  When I reached the other side of the street I wondered if the folks in the starched white dress shirts and carrying the leather briefcases would have received the same treatment or was it reserved for middle aged men toting old backpacks?  I continued to follow the brick path to Monroe and crossed at the light in front of the very same bus; no blast this time.  I tried to make eye contact with the driver but he was staring off in the distance (I have always identified with Don Quixote).

The last half block to Wachovia passed without incident.  Placing the backpack on the counter to endorse my check, I noticed how rough my companion looked.  The once white panels were stained from use and it black around the edges from hundreds of openings and closings.  I imagined the bank security team being placed on alert.  The teller was friendly and professional.  I left the bank grateful I had not been patted down or searched for weapons.

I arrived back at the plaza within a half and made my way to the ticket booth.  I recognized the driver behind the counter, I have handed her hundreds of 31 day applications over the past year but she didn’t seem to recognize me.  I was definitely out of context.  She was pleasant and professional.  Many of my plans hinged on getting a ride guide and strategically studying it before heading out, but I met a sign which explained guides were no longer available for current routes because the routes would change in July.  The booth operator and I shared a laugh over the absurdity as she handed me my new 31 day pass.  I got some tips on how to use it and set off to find my next bus.

I found a guide displayed behind glass and plotted my course, bus 6, gate O.  I didn’t know when the bus was going to arrive, but I planned on waiting there until it did.  The plaza was relatively quiet so I crossed to “O” and found a seat.  I was recognized by a former HOPE resident and we exchanged small talk for a minute while he rifled through his own bag.  My attempts to engage went unnoticed or ignored and he was soon on his way. 

Shortly after buses from all directions began pulling in to the plaza.  Bus 26 came to rest directly in front of me and I was perplexed.  Where was bus 6?  I scanned another guide near my bench and discovered bus 6 and 26 share the same gate.  The driver of 26 disembarked and shut the door behind him.  Many of the buses which had pulled in began to leave, including bus 8 which, according to its flashing sign, would have gotten me to the Tallahassee Mall and close enough to Access Florida.  Bus 26 remained on the launch pad and bus 6 was nowhere in sight.   The flashing sign on 26 claimed it was going to target.  I confirmed the route on the board and decided to adapt.  Flexibility is required in the homeless community and those who do it well avoid frustration and situational depression.  As I changed my plans I felt I was beginning to find my rhythm. 

A few minutes later a new driver appeared from behind a closed door (I assumed it was a drivers lounge) and mounted 26.  I got in the cue and prepared to use my new pass.  The woman directly in front of me began complaining about someone smoking in the plaza.  I attempted to swipe my card but I don’t think it registered; the driver who was politely talking with the woman didn’t seem to notice.  I found a seat near the front.  The bus was much less crowded than the earlier one and soon we were off.

The bus was peaceful.  The driver weaved and wove his way through downtown and I soon decided there was must be a conspiracy to keep bus riders dependent on the bus by keeping them from knowing where they are.  My trip reminded me of a scene from a movie where the hero is blindfolded and stuffed in the trunk of the car to prevent him from knowing the location of the evil layer.  Fortunately, I have made the trip to the SSA many times and figured out where to jump off.  Someone new to Tallahassee would have definitely ended up at the evil layer, or back at the plaza. 

The trip was relatively short.  I thanked the driver as I left the comfort of the bus and walked towards the SSA.  I found an old unused picnic table under a shade tree in the middle of the parking lot near the SSA and sat down to simulate a visit to Social Security.  I took a few notes and watched government employees come and go from the surrounding offices.  They didn’t pay me much attention but I prepared an explanation in case.  I pictured TPD rolling up behind my clients if they sat too long at this same old table.

It was well after lunch and I was hungry.  I had fueled up in the morning with a CNS organic pop tart but my stomach had long forgotten it.  I headed to the Chick Fila across Apalachee Parkway.  I planned on a tight budget before looking at the menu.  Staying below $5.00 was a challenge.  There was nothing on the menu for $1.  I settled on four strips of chicken for $4.00 and one of my own waters.  As I sat in the dining room and surveyed the other tables I felt alone.  There were Dads sharing lunch with their kids, older couples on outings, and work friends chatting.  I was invisible in the middle of a crowded restaurant full of activity.  I savored every bite of chicken, it meant more to me than my normal $10 lunch; I knew this lunch would have to last. 

I threaded my way through the parking lot; shiny cars with shiny people wrapped around the building waiting for their chance to order.  I crossed the street at the crosswalk and made my way to the bus stop.  An older white woman and an older black man sat evenly spaced on the bench.  I planned on standing but both immediately gestured for me to sit.  I was happy to be visible again and enjoyed sharing the moment with my fellow riders; even while the afternoon breeze carried a steady stream of cigarette smoke into my face.
The journey back to the plaza was much longer.  It even included an extended stop at the Kroger Center where we waited for government workers who never arrived.  It was approaching 2:30 and as I began making the calculations for the remaining legs and considered ending my experiment.  However, I remembered the advice I had given many times about productivity and bus passes.  Someone with three single-rides isn’t given the luxury of ending the experiment, use them today or walk tomorrow.  I arrived back at the plaza and was greeted by a current HOPE resident I served at the CNS.  It was nice to see a friendly face but we were moving in separate directions and only one of us knew where he was going. 
I settled back into my bench at “O”, determined to wait out the mysterious bus 6.  Once again bus 26 was hogging the spot where I was expecting to see 6.  As if dancing to music I couldn’t yet hear the crowds at the plaza thinned and the buses began pulling out.  I watched 8 heading out to Tallahassee Mall again, while 26 stubbornly refused to give up room for 6.  Maybe 6 was circling the block waiting for clearance to land.

I sat alone on my bench while I looked across the plaza.  Most of the travelers had left.  A few Star Metro employees huddled on a bench not too far way and a yuppie couple on fancy bikes stared at the map, its secret knowledge eluding them as well.  A bus which failed to make the leap sat sputtering at its launch pad.  I watched as its passengers quickly moved from the wounded bus to a replacement.  Within minutes the replacement had left, a mechanic escorted the wounded from the field and activity ceased.  I stood and consulted the map again; time for 6 to arrive.  To my great satisfaction it pulled up at the curb.
After boarding I sat in my usual spot.  Yes, after three rides I had already adopted a usual spot near the front with plenty of leg room where I could see folks as they boarded.  We waited another few minutes at the plaza and then we joined the rest of the buses on the streets.  We headed North, then West, then South, then East, Then North; I was tempted to ask the driver if he need directions to the mall.  The driver was very professional and announced each stop as we approached.  I was so excited when I spotted the mall I immediately pulled the rip cord and jumped from the bus.  I trudge across the desert landscape of the dying mall’s parking lot and headed to the food courts public restrooms.  I had already decided I deserved a chocolate cookie.  I reasoned a client on a similar trek would be rewarded by accomplishing a task; a cookie should simulate that feeling of satisfaction well and I really wanted a cookie.  With cookie in hand I set out for Access Florida.  I have driven from the mall to Access Florida many times without appreciating their actual proximity.  I won’t make that mistake again.

I arrived at my destination as it was approaching 4:00.  I began hunting for a bus stop.  In my mind there was a nice shady bench waiting for me at Access Florida, I was wrong.  I began my walk back to Tennessee St., assuming I would soon find a bus stop or a bus.  A block from Tennessee I found an old sign faded by the sun which told me bus 6 stops there but to not bother waiting because it could be an hour or more;  I walked on.  At the corner of Tennessee and Sharer I was greeted by a Star Metro bench positioned in the blazing sun with no sign or shade in sight; I walked South.  The next Bus Stop sign was growing out of an unkempt hedge in front of a closed gas station; I kept walking.  I had only seen one bus since I left Access Florida; bus 1 heading North on Monroe towards someplace I didn’t know.  I was certain bus six was going to zoom past me at any moment as I walked and leave me stranded for another hour.  I reasoned the closer I got to the plaza the better my chances of being rescued.  Finally I found a group of travelers.  I was greeted with a smile, until in enthusiasm to see people and the promise of a bus, I crazily questioned, “where is the bus?”  I spent the remaining time huddled alone, behind the group. 

The elusive bus 8 arrived 20 minutes later.  It was the first bus I had seen in over an hour.  We picked up a man I knew from the shelter a stop later.  I was pleased to hear he had found a restaurant job and was saving money.  His wife was still suffering without health insurance; her knee troubles hadn’t improved and she was now having arm troubles.  As other riders boarded our conversation died.  The bus is not a great place for a private conversation.  My idea of finding more buses as I headed South was proved wrong; w e quickly left Monroe and dove into the surrounding neighborhood never to return to the main drag.

I asked the driver of 8 what bus I needed to catch at the plaza to get back to West Pensacola and was told 53.  When we arrived at the terminal I saw a few people I knew and a few that knew me.  I greeted them all as long lost friends I hadn’t seen since the war and set out to find the gate for 53.  To my surprise the folks I just left had been waiting for 53, go figure.  They were puzzled why I had said good bye only to board the bus behind them, but they didn’t say anything.  The bus was crowded and I shared my seat with a woman I recognized but she didn’t recognize me.  The bus moved through FSU.  My spirit was renewed as I sat among my people and knew my van was waiting.  An unknown Tallahassee drifted by outside my window;  a Tallahassee with promise, activity, sunlight, and diversity.  Landmarks which were familiar to me took on new life through the lens of the bus.  53 ran in tandem with 15.  The procession felt like a mobilization.  Riders at large stops opted to let 15 pass and wait for 53.  I was left to ponder in ignorance.  We arrived at the BBHC still in tandem and I was forced to leave the mystery for another day.  I walked with a man heading to HOPE for dinner, his camp had been burned to the ground and I promised I would bring some basics to him the next day.

My journey was over.  The van waited where I left it six and half hours earlier.  I was given a new appreciation of the difficulties facing the people I serve.  Star Metro is comfortable and the drivers are professional.  The routes are shrouded in mystery and, without a guide, nearly impossible to understand.  Star Metro veterans navigate Tallahassee without concern; they have become part of the concert, they know the rhythm.  Many people I serve are new to Tallahassee.  Equipping them with two single-rides, promising a 31 day pass and showing them out the door is negligent.  Our community is complex and the transportation system which serves it is equally complex and deserves more consideration.   The needs of people experiencing homelessness are greater than the average commuter.  They are required to coordinate the schedules of multiple buses to reach service providers and job opportunities scattered through the furthest reaches of our community.  As support providers we question their ambition when plans are slow to develop. 

I walked more in six hours than I normally walk in a week.  Every day I watch men and women my age set out on foot and bike, sometimes carrying 50 lbs packs without the luxury of a bus pass.  Who is softer and less motivated; the shelter resident which hikes 20 miles on Monday seeking employment and rests on Tuesday, or the outreach worker who sits behind a desk handing out single-rides as if he is meeting the transportation need of those he serves.   

Saturday, March 19, 2011

What I Learned at the Cold Night Shelter

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted anything.  Sorry for the long delay but my days and nights got flipped upside down for much of the winter.  I have experienced enough to fill many blogs but I want to give a synopsis of how God has been developing Connections.  Even though I may need some thawing out from winter, He has been very busy.  Here are the latest lessons God has taught me.

1. There is no room for solo performers
God trimmed much of my support away in December.  I was suddenly on the opposite schedule from Deniz, the kids, church and friends.  Many of the men who God raised from the homeless community as support were unable to work with me.  God allowed me to attempt to carry most of the burden of the CNS on my own for a 11 day stretch.  My knees nearly buckled, my compassion was drained, and I began avoiding the very people God has called me to serve.

I experienced this trial so Connections can avoid the same mistake.  When budgets are tight and manpower strained it is tempting to shoulder the burden yourself or place it on a willing staff member.  Burnout and compassion fatigue are very real dangers in ministry and social work alike.  To serve God we must find balance between our mission and our well being.

After the 11 night run I was given the opportunity to schedule support staff for the CNS,  Destiny (part of our Connection team) stepped up to cover some of my shifts, and I was able to find a better balance.  I walked away with an appreciation of the Body of Christ (individuals working in concert) and the need to define our mission.

2. The land of Compassion and love is not without boundaries
I have developed a relationship with many in the homeless community.  Through these relationships God was able to minister and care for the guest of the CNS.  Humbly serving individuals with dignity and respect has given me a voice into many lives.  However, boundaries are needed.

In mid-January the CNS experienced its first fight.  A group of twenty had gathered outside to smoke.  An argument erupted along racial lines and when I arrived on scene there were rumors the first punch had already been thrown.  My attempts to calm the situation peacefully failed and tension were still escalating, I lost my temper.  Shouting at the top of my lungs I ordered everyone inside.  Fortunately, everyone listened and it appeared peace had been restored.  However, twenty minutes I was called outside by one of the guests; two men were fighting in the parking lot.  When I arrived everyone denied any involvement, but it appeared two of the main actors in the early incident had decided it wasn't over.  I spoke calmly and rationally to both, explained the consequences, and begged them to give each other a wide birth the rest of the night.  As the two men, in a group of 15 others, moved inside I was pleased calmer heads had prevailed (until I got nearly inside).  Without warning a brawl between the two men exploded inside the CNS.  Several guest and a volunteer rushed in to pull them apart while I dialed 911.  When TPD arrived both men acted remorseful.  I did not want either sent to jail, but one had an outstanding warrant.  The CNS quieted quickly and peace was finally restored.

I was ashamed I lost my temper that evening.  I felt as though I had failed my mission.  Charged with caring for people experiencing homelessness; instead going on a full blown tirade.  I now realize I had been too lax in defining boundaries which caused the need for such an extreme.  Compassion and love are often misperceived as weakness.  God is a God of discipline and order.  Defining boundaries for those we serve is an act of love and demonstrates we care.  Once again I learned balance.  This time a balance between lawlessness and draconian restrictions.  Without boundaries people press outward to find them.  When rules are used to manage people like cattle the spirit is crushed.

3. The Power of Restoration
The CNS afforded me the opportunity for the first time to live among the people I serve.  From December through February I spent more time with them than my own family (yes I know, out of balance).  I was humbled by their reaction to our simple efforts: a narrow cot less than 3 feet from the neighboring cots, a large shower room with no privacy, and day-old pastries.  Tensions and strains I had observed for years began melting away and confidence began to emerge.  God's presence was felt and restoration began.  Connections moved from theory to reality.  The homeless community is ripe for harvest.  Efforts which would have little effect on those living in affluence have great impact on those living in the desert.  It is time to move!



 11 Two in a bed warm each other.
   Alone, you shiver all night.

 12 By yourself you're unprotected.
   With a friend you can face the worst.
   Can you round up a third?
   A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped.  (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12, The Message)

 11  My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,  
      Nor detest His correction;
       12  For whom the LORD loves He corrects,  
      Just as a father the son in whom he delights.
       (Proverbs 3:11-12, New King James Version)

 28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28, New King James Version)